Dead As Fuck

Macho Man Randy Savage is still Dead As Fuck (November 15, 1952 - May 20, 2011) Macho Man was one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time and was one of the top dogs in the heyday of the WWF*.  Last year, he died after suffering a heart while driving and crashed his car into a tree. His loss was felt all over the world, but it didn’t affect anyone as much as the executives in charge of the Slim Jim advertising account, who still haven’t fully recovered. There was also a gaping void in traveling shows for washed up wrestlers in local YMCA gyms all over the country. It’ll all be okay though. We can still look back fondly on his battles with Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior and even remember how jealous we were of his relationship with Miss Elizabeth. And we’ll always have that time he released a rap album—arguably the defining point of a well storied career. *It’ll always be the WWF to me. The World Wildlife Fund for Nature can go fuck themselves for making a big stink about it forcing a kind-hearted, reasonable gentleman like Vince McMahon to give in to a bunch of do-gooders who care about something as insignificant as some bullshit animals.

Macho Man Randy Savage is still Dead As Fuck

(November 15, 1952 - May 20, 2011)

Macho Man was one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time and was one of the top dogs in the heyday of the WWF*. 

Last year, he died after suffering a heart while driving and crashed his car into a tree.

His loss was felt all over the world, but it didn’t affect anyone as much as the executives in charge of the Slim Jim advertising account, who still haven’t fully recovered. There was also a gaping void in traveling shows for washed up wrestlers in local YMCA gyms all over the country.

It’ll all be okay though. We can still look back fondly on his battles with Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior and even remember how jealous we were of his relationship with Miss Elizabeth.

And we’ll always have that time he released a rap album—arguably the defining point of a well storied career.

*It’ll always be the WWF to me. The World Wildlife Fund for Nature can go fuck themselves for making a big stink about it forcing a kind-hearted, reasonable gentleman like Vince McMahon to give in to a bunch of do-gooders who care about something as insignificant as some bullshit animals.

Ian Curtis is still Dead As Fuck (July 15, 1956 - May 18, 1980) It was 32 years ago today that Ian Curtis hung himself in the kitchen of his home in Macclesfield after watching a Warner Herzog movie and listening to Iggy Pop. And 32 years later, sad people everywhere are still sad about it. They’ve been smoking with cigarettes and drinking coffee all day waiting to tell you all about how “Love Will Tear Us Apart” changed their life—even though most of them are like 20 years old and didn’t know who Joy Division was until about eight months ago when they signed up for Tumblr.

Ian Curtis is still Dead As Fuck

(July 15, 1956 - May 18, 1980)

It was 32 years ago today that Ian Curtis hung himself in the kitchen of his home in Macclesfield after watching a Warner Herzog movie and listening to Iggy Pop.

And 32 years later, sad people everywhere are still sad about it. They’ve been smoking with cigarettes and drinking coffee all day waiting to tell you all about how “Love Will Tear Us Apart” changed their life—even though most of them are like 20 years old and didn’t know who Joy Division was until about eight months ago when they signed up for Tumblr.

Vidal Sassoon is Dead As Fuck (January 17, 1928 - May 9, 2012) It turns out Vidal Sassoon was an actual person and not just the name on your mom’s shampoo bottle. He also opened a bunch of hair styling schools which is probably what that cute girl from the coffee shop meant when she told you she was in school. One of your guy friends went there too. You were really confused about it at first and always made fun of him behind his back. Then he invented some weird hairstyle and got really famous in the hair community (which is a real thing also), ended up making tons of money, getting more girls than you ever will and made you really jealous. Which made you make fun of him even more out of pure spite. Both of those things are the fault of Vidal Sassoon (and to a lesser extent, Paul Mitchell but he’s still alive), so now you know where all your misplaced anger at hairstylists stems from. But score for you because he’s dead now and you’re not.

Vidal Sassoon is Dead As Fuck

(January 17, 1928 - May 9, 2012)

It turns out Vidal Sassoon was an actual person and not just the name on your mom’s shampoo bottle. He also opened a bunch of hair styling schools which is probably what that cute girl from the coffee shop meant when she told you she was in school.

One of your guy friends went there too. You were really confused about it at first and always made fun of him behind his back. Then he invented some weird hairstyle and got really famous in the hair community (which is a real thing also), ended up making tons of money, getting more girls than you ever will and made you really jealous. Which made you make fun of him even more out of pure spite.

Both of those things are the fault of Vidal Sassoon (and to a lesser extent, Paul Mitchell but he’s still alive), so now you know where all your misplaced anger at hairstylists stems from. But score for you because he’s dead now and you’re not.

Maurice Sendak is Dead As Fuck (June 10, 1928 - May 8, 2012) Maurice Sendak (along with Shel Silverstein and Dr. Suess) was personally responsible for shaping your childhood. Then you all got old and jaded and pretended you didn’t like him anymore—that his stuff was too childish and you had grown up and moved on to bigger and better things. Then Urban Outfitters decided he was cool and ironic, so you did too. You bought the shirts and got the tattoos and told everyone you’d always loved him. But you’re all god damn liars and Maurice probably hates you for your bullshit bandwagon jumping. So, essentially, you killed Maurice Sendak. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Asshole.

Maurice Sendak is Dead As Fuck

(June 10, 1928 - May 8, 2012)

Maurice Sendak (along with Shel Silverstein and Dr. Suess) was personally responsible for shaping your childhood.

Then you all got old and jaded and pretended you didn’t like him anymore—that his stuff was too childish and you had grown up and moved on to bigger and better things. Then Urban Outfitters decided he was cool and ironic, so you did too. You bought the shirts and got the tattoos and told everyone you’d always loved him.

But you’re all god damn liars and Maurice probably hates you for your bullshit bandwagon jumping. So, essentially, you killed Maurice Sendak. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Asshole.

Adam Yauch aka MCA is Dead as Fuck (August 5, 1964 - May 4 2012) Ill let Tboz give a proper quip about MCA since he grew up in love with the Beasties. Until then think about this…… Who does a better MCA??? Jack Black or Kenny Powers??? Sub question to that question…. Would you rather hang out with Kenny Powers or the real MCA. Fuck  talk and drinking or meditation and incense. 

Adam Yauch aka MCA is Dead as Fuck

(August 5, 1964 - May 4 2012)

Ill let Tboz give a proper quip about MCA since he grew up in love with the Beasties. Until then think about this……

Who does a better MCA??? Jack Black or Kenny Powers??? Sub question to that question…. Would you rather hang out with Kenny Powers or the real MCA. Fuck  talk and drinking or meditation and incense. 
Junior Seau is Dead As Fuck (January 19, 1969 - May 2, 2012) Junior Seau played college football at some school in southern California that no one likes. He entered the NFL and played for the San Diego Chargers, Miami Dolphins and New England Patriots throughout a career that spanned nearly two decades. He also retired a few different times. Seau fake-retired before Brett Favre made it cool. He was the OG in that regard. In 2010, he drove his car off a cliff in Carlsbad, California hours after being arrested for beating up his then-girlfriend. He told people that he fell asleep at the wheel and was definitely not trying to kill himself. This morning, he killed himself. Because despite what you may think, having millions of dollars and living on the beach and surfing every single day is hard, soul crushing work.

Junior Seau is Dead As Fuck

(January 19, 1969 - May 2, 2012)

Junior Seau played college football at some school in southern California that no one likes. He entered the NFL and played for the San Diego Chargers, Miami Dolphins and New England Patriots throughout a career that spanned nearly two decades. He also retired a few different times. Seau fake-retired before Brett Favre made it cool. He was the OG in that regard.

In 2010, he drove his car off a cliff in Carlsbad, California hours after being arrested for beating up his then-girlfriend. He told people that he fell asleep at the wheel and was definitely not trying to kill himself.

This morning, he killed himself. Because despite what you may think, having millions of dollars and living on the beach and surfing every single day is hard, soul crushing work.

Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes is still Dead As Fuck. (May 27, 1971 - April 25, 2002) On April 25, 2002 Left Eye, from the famous girl group TLC died when she rolled a Mitsubishi Montero in Honduras. In addition to both of those things, she’s probably equally famous for burning down her boyfriend’s (Andre Rison) house after setting his shoes on fire in a bathtub. Not content with letting her rest in peace, T-Boz and Chilli, have announced on the anniversary of her death that they would like to make some extra money. TMZ—who you shouldn’t ever believe anyway because they’ll print any crock of shit for attention, but still—is reporting that TLC will tour again, incorporating Left Eye into the performances via archival footage. So yeah, the group she famously didn’t want to be a part of anymore is forcing her lifeless corpse back into their songs because they’re broke. That’s a hell of a way to honor a dead girl. Great job, TLC!

Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes is still Dead As Fuck.

(May 27, 1971 - April 25, 2002)

On April 25, 2002 Left Eye, from the famous girl group TLC died when she rolled a Mitsubishi Montero in Honduras. In addition to both of those things, she’s probably equally famous for burning down her boyfriend’s (Andre Rison) house after setting his shoes on fire in a bathtub.

Not content with letting her rest in peace, T-Boz and Chilli, have announced on the anniversary of her death that they would like to make some extra money. TMZ—who you shouldn’t ever believe anyway because they’ll print any crock of shit for attention, but still—is reporting that TLC will tour again, incorporating Left Eye into the performances via archival footage.

So yeah, the group she famously didn’t want to be a part of anymore is forcing her lifeless corpse back into their songs because they’re broke.

That’s a hell of a way to honor a dead girl. Great job, TLC!

Levon Helm is dead as fuck. (May 26, 1940 - April 19, 2012) Levon Helm played drums, mandolin and sang for The Band for the better part of thirty years. Your dad probably likes them. He probably also has some great jokes about their band name being The Band and will relate it to an old Abbot and Costello routine that you’ve never heard either.  Bottom line is that The Band stopped being relevant in the 80s and a couple decades later, the drummer died.

Levon Helm is dead as fuck.

(May 26, 1940 - April 19, 2012)

Levon Helm played drums, mandolin and sang for The Band for the better part of thirty years. Your dad probably likes them. He probably also has some great jokes about their band name being The Band and will relate it to an old Abbot and Costello routine that you’ve never heard either. 

Bottom line is that The Band stopped being relevant in the 80s and a couple decades later, the drummer died.

Dick Clark is Dead As Fuck. (November 30, 1929 - April 18, 2012) Dick Clark died today. Well, the other half of Dick Clark died today. The first half died a while ago, but they still let him on TV. Presumably because people wanted to give their children nightmares to coincide with the New Year, when their dreams would be filled with an image of the old, slow talking, melting man they just watched as the ball dropped. In other news, Ryan Seacrest is thrilled.

Dick Clark is Dead As Fuck.

(November 30, 1929 - April 18, 2012)

Dick Clark died today. Well, the other half of Dick Clark died today. The first half died a while ago, but they still let him on TV. Presumably because people wanted to give their children nightmares to coincide with the New Year, when their dreams would be filled with an image of the old, slow talking, melting man they just watched as the ball dropped.

In other news, Ryan Seacrest is thrilled.

Flattus Maximus is Dead as Fuck!!! On November 3, 2011, hours after a performance at First Avenue in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Smoot was found dead by his fellow band members in the band’s tour bus as they prepared to cross the border into Manitoba, Canada from North Dakota.[1] At the time of the announcement, no formal statement concerning the circumstances of his demise nor of the future of the band had been made.[2] On November 4, Dave Brockie officially announced that the character of Flattus Maximus would be retired out of respect to Smoot -xSmallestFrogx -xTbonex

Flattus Maximus is Dead as Fuck!!!

On November 3, 2011, hours after a performance at First Avenue in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Smoot was found dead by his fellow band members in the band’s tour bus as they prepared to cross the border into Manitoba, Canada from North Dakota.[1] At the time of the announcement, no formal statement concerning the circumstances of his demise nor of the future of the band had been made.[2] On November 4, Dave Brockie officially announced that the character of Flattus Maximus would be retired out of respect to Smoot

-xSmallestFrogx

-xTbonex